Letters to Thursday

I saw you today, sitting there across the way, casually chatting in that grey shirt you wore so much. Tucking a whisp of hair behind your ear, taming the minimal wildness that ventures out from behind. You squint in the evening’s setting rays observing the passersby, am I a friend, an acquaintance, a stranger? I train my gaze ahead, picking up the pace, I am the stranger, and you are actually nothing more than one too, a mirage of likeness; but for a moment…

I’m not sure why you’re still on my mind, so deeply ingrained in my present day-to-day.

… We’re having a party here this weekend. It’s code for, I do all the cleanup and work while everyone else sits around and does nothing. It’s like living in a house full of children, where I’m the only adult most days. Still, it’ll be nice to have some ‘friends’ over. They might bring over a power wheels jeep, so that could be pretty cool. I modded one this summer, did a lithium battery upgrade, lights, and switches.

It turned out pretty cool – it still needs something else though, perhaps a working radio? A power boost button? We’ll see I guess! Oh, oh, eventually there should be some sweet pink rubber treads for the tyres, just haven’t gotten around to designing/printing them yet, it’s on the docket!

Later Gator.

D.M.

Hey Thursday,

Hanging out should have been awesome, who doesn’t love to hang out? But yes, the things between us would assuredly make it awkward. These days, the only real boundaries are getting time? There are hardly long moments to stop and do whatever, it seems someone always needs something, or some other project/thing needs to be done. Time can be made though, sometimes it has to be made with a more forceful purpose!

A few days ago there was a meme that went through my feed of ‘cringe’ texts from ex’s wanting to hang out. It really hit home, hahaha! Though I don’t think we really left anything horribly bitter, it all mostly died in awkwardness, awkwardness on my part! If only we could go back knowing what we know now. I like to envision your face as you get some text from yours truly, an exaggerated eye roll, maybe a quick scan of what its saying, and then probably off to the trash. This all would be followed by a headache and a silent wish probably (don’t text me ever again!!!). I think I’ve resolved it upon myself pretty well to not reach out again for both our sakes.

You know, eventually after that summer I would try to hang out again, probably a bit too persistently, but at that point I’m sure you were gone, and I was too blind to see it. Remember that concert I basically invited myself over for? Awkwardness all around! At least the music was alright, I do still listen to them/her on occasion, she’s got those beats that get me going! I’m trying to remember also that weird service project-like thing we did. I got paint on my favorite XKCD shirt, it’s like a forever mark that will remind me of that, unfortunately most of the other details have faded. I don’t think we really even hung out as much as I was hoping during that.

I’m never good at expressing myself or taking charge of a conversation. Its like, if the situation isn’t exactly how I imagine it should be in my head I won’t proceed, conditions aren’t perfect. Paralysis through analysis, that’s what they call it in the job field at least, the inability to move forward unless we know all outcomes, but all outcomes are unattainable/unknowable. Paralysis is me. Later.

D.M.

Thursday,

Not responding to anything particular this time. Third day at the cemetery, it grows on you, the calmness and sort of serenity, perhaps not exceptionally picturesque but close enough within walking range.

So, here’s the thing about friends. I didn’t have any in grade school. Grade school was the worst thing ever (which holds true for most people I talk to). But when I get to High School, no one really knows me, it’s a new leave, clean slate, whatever! I do make friends, what could be considered a fair amount of friends. Not saying I was “popular” but between the various activities, my toes were dipped into several of the ‘click’ pools. I always assumed I had some best friends, you know the kind like in the movies where they share nearly everything? But I was never a sharer, there were no deep dark secrets I wanted to share – no one pried either, which was maybe a blessing. Some shells are better left unopened.

In any case, flip forward, what is a friend? I was sidelined at what I though was my best friend’s wedding, just a guest, that hit hard. Other friends got married, I was invited to some, but not in any special way. No groomsman role, definitely not a best man situation, but yeah, I still feel that sting when I think about it. When I look at the people I consider my friend now, I wonder “is this the kind of person who would want me to be at their bachelor party, or be a person of some rank at a wedding or ceremony?” Ultimately my answers keep landing on “Nope, probably not.” So what is friend? What is a best friend? At this point it is pretty obvious to me – the common denominator. Maybe it’s okay to not be ‘best friend’ material, I’m not quite there yet though. It’s a bit soul crushing not having a person with whom which to spill all the beans, but at the same time, that’s not what friendship should be. It should just be some people hanging out and living their best lives – skin deep right there.

Anywho, I’m sure this post is garbage, I’ll try to proof it tomorrow or something, mumble mumble grumble. Gnight, may your dreams be an elegant dance of joyfulness!

D.M.

Turned out to be another late night. I moved this site though, I didn’t care for all the blogger tagging on it. Goodbye Blogger, sorry! This new site isn’t perfect either yet, but at least there is a bit more user control. Anywho, the thought for the evening was friends and friendships. What makes a best friend? Can you still have best friends if you don’t like to share details of your life? Can it just be someone who is fun to hang with, whom you can talk to with ease? I’ll sleep on it.

D.M.

Thursday,

    I think I’ve been mostly unfair. I hope that eventually I can answer all things with the honesty that perspective can afford.

    Yesterday and today were long days. I was hoping to get on and write up a follow up to the first letter, but I don’t really think that this is that. Just more meanderings of a mad man? Ha! But seriously, I have been weighing the merits of reaching out again, a second attempt, but I know I shouldn’t. My brain is screaming No you fool, never again, but this tiny voice says Do it, if only to clear the aire. It’s a tug of war, one that wearies and erodes my psyche. It would probably be smart to remove all contact information, leave any reunion to chance, or fate if you will. I’ve taken enough wrong turns to not trust in fate these days though, misguided searches for fortunes of one type or another.

    I had a fun talk in the office today though. Why I didn’t go the route of an engineer. I was flattered to be held in such esteem, I guess. They seemed genuinely intrigued. I of course didn’t have a great answer… I followed my passion and landed on my face so to speak. Never really got over it.

    It’s tough being social. I don’t think many people understand, or perhaps I’ve just gotten more… hermit like? Some days are exhausting. Often i wonder if I should have been one of those lone souls, adrift in the back woods, relying on the self. 

-D.M.