Letters to Thursday

  • Letter 17

    Its been a while.

    But I signed on to speak.

    To you.

    Now that I’m here, I’m not sure what to say. Its been a hard day though. I’m pretty sure my relationship is at its end. If she said its over, I don’t think I’d be sad.

    Honestly, it might be a relief.

    I feel like I’ve poured so much of myself into this relationship, and that I can’t keep holding the pieces of it together. Losing myself for what?

    I’m not in a good place, and I can see that, I know that. There is also no relief in sight. The mini moments of solitude like this are a nice reprieve; what does that say about the state of things?

    …………………………………….. Tear Here …………………………………………………………………

    Hey Thursday,

    Just writing to check in, as friends do! I hope you have some exciting plans coming up for this summer! We just got back from a camping trip, which was pretty nice, can’t complain about the weather for that one, even the kids had a pretty good time. They all got sick though, I’m sure there is a rule out there, or a principal – ‘No good time left unpunished’. Its like some kind of Catch 22 or something.

    I’ve been hitting the Stan Rogers again, so good! I think I’m going to try to learn the Witch of Westmorland on mandolin. I’m not very good at the mandolin yet, but its coming along, I finally paid for some online classes which have been fun, its difficult to find some free time and some quiet though to really get into the lessons, but here and there progress is made!

    Maybe I’ll see you around this summer? I have a few plans/events bringing me to your neck of the woods. It would be nice to grab a coffee, have a passing word. Against all odds, I miss you still, I shouldn’t, but I do.

    Its late for me here now, good night Thursday.

    D.M.

    , ,

  • Letter 16 – Dreams

    Thursday.

    I had another one of those dreams, like the kind that got this whole thing started. You know, the kind with that wrenching realness. Its been a while since I’ve written to you, sorry. I think I became upset with the reality of the situation and didn’t want to face it, but write to you now I will! No promises for the future. I guess its appropriate that a dream brings me back there though.

    Back to the point of all this. So there I was in your SISTERS house, house sitting I guess. It made sense in the dream. So, I’m at your sisters house, and am prepping some meal because she is going to be home soon and I like to have a nice meal prepped. (I must be the coolest house sitter ever! or maybe just hungry.) So I’m prepping food, barely started, when in walks your father, cool as a cucumber. At this point I’m sure, 100% sure, he is going to try and pull some awkward and belittling conversation at me, but no. Instead we talk in earnest about our relationship, and I actually come clean to him. The lie I told you when we broke up. The lie I think I convinced myself of for so many years. I tell him the truth. I couldn’t compete, I wasn’t enough. I tell him how jealous I was of your now husband. I tell him, in real earnest, that I’m actually glad it worked out the way it did. I couldn’t swoon you like he did, I couldn’t captivate your heart and soul the way he could. After that he was nice to me, and pleasant – the sign of it being a dream bleeding away.

    Beep beep beep goes the alarm!!!!

    I think if you looked into your memories, and dug deep (or maybe not so deep), that you would see the truth there in front of you as well. And that’s okay, this is okay. I know you don’t actually give a shit about any of this. I know I’m the only one hurt from this self-infliction, but that is the great part of this illusion of a letter, where I paint you in a way that you are not. My name and memory has likely faded may years ago, as they should have.

    Till the next ramble. Or dream?

    -D.M.

    , ,

  • Letter 15

    Thursday.

    I’ve come to this realization that no one asks me for things. I can’t remember the last time someone asked for my help with something, or asked my opinion. Nor has anyone really asked to borrow anything of mine. It makes me feel a bit broken. I know enough people, but I’m not a go-to person for anyone – work doesn’t count! These ideas really seem to linger now that they’ve been realized. All the people I know can’t all be wrong about me, which must mean what? I’m bad at advice? I complain too much? My opinions come with a price tag? I have nothing of value to contribute! I’m not sure but have all the uncomfortable feelings now.

    I thought of that when I was contemplating reaching out to someone for reassurance. What right do I have to ask anyone? I am the annoyance, the fly in the ointment. I am the problem, apparently.

    D.M.

    , ,

  • Letter 14: Thank you!

    Hey there Thursday, tomorrow is your day! Hahahaha, just kidding, but seriously! Remember that time I was going to show you how to drive that crappy old motorcycle? We did end up getting it running, I forget exactly now what was wrong with it, but I don’t think it was the ground wire as suspected. I feel like we did a battery swap and… too many years ago! I actually ended up spilling that bike (on grass) and burning my leg a bit, after that I didn’t really ride much more. The ease at which you can lose control on a motorcycle soured the whole idea of riding one practically for me, though these E-motorcycles are piquing my interest!

    Homemade Fried Chicken is pretty tops, my grandmother taught me how to make Country Fried Chicken, at least that’s what she called it when she taught me how to make it. I asked her about it recently, and she had no idea what I was talking about (big sighs), but yeah, soooo good, definitely not the healthiest way to eat chicken!

    I don’t remember much about buoyancy in high school, I had to learn some in college for sure, and I remember it wasn’t too bad. I actually usually did pretty good in physics, which was just a general one covering things like friction calcs up to very simplified airplane take-off calculations. We had more after I got accepted into my program, but they were very specific. I always like to do my own homework, lots of other people grouped up and learned together, and I probably could have made some real friends, but I don’t learn that way, it would just be me taking answers and grunting. My brother would sometimes help me, though he would generally overcomplicate things because he was doing an actual physics major. Nerds! I think you two probably would get along together pretty well, talking science stuff and whatnot! I can actually envision him getting those wide eyes as he gets excited about talking about some theory or new discovery, I’d be sitting there interested, but not having anything real to contribute.

    If you were to ask me today again to go to a movie, I would say yes, hands down in a heartbeat, any movie I think. I don’t actually know what’s been playing or in theaters. I’ve been dedicating my time to reading/writing/dog walking/drawing. Unfortunately, I’m not particularly good at any of those things. Crochet season is almost upon us though, and I’ll be working to finish that darn blanket I started when we were together. It’s actually got some width to it these days, probably a solid 2+ feet! Realistically I don’t think I’ll finish it this winter, but maybe next, I think if I can get to a 6 foot width it’ll be close enough to being ‘finished’! Don’t worry, I’ll probably post a finished picture in here, maybe even an in-process one!

    D.M.

    ,

  • Letter 13: Lucky Number 13?

    Thursday,

    It’s been a hot minute, perhaps the pangs of the reality of things are finally setting back in. Hope you’re doing well, the cold has moved in swiftly here, and I’m sure it’s worse further north. I don’t remember if I told you or not, but an old ‘friend’ of ours reached out to me, and let me know there is a bike path behind where we used to work together! Totally going to check that out in a couple weeks. Wish you could be there. There’ll probably be about 1 billion mosquitoes given all the rain that has been coming down; a good cold snap would probably do them in though if it drops low enough. Weather in our great state (am I right?)!

    I’ve been hitting the bluegrass music pretty hard of late, not that you really got me into what I’m listening to now, but it certainly opened the door. Stan Rogers, Gaelic Storm, they lead down a pretty fine path. I got more into what I think is considered progressive bluegrass(?) Nickel Creek, Crooked Still, Sarah Jarosz, all good stuff – I think you’d like most of it. Could you imagine just the two of us in the kitchen? Old hips swaying softly to those lovely strings. I’ve always had this image in my head of us doing dishes together, not sure why; I’d wash, you’d dry, you’d also make fun of my extra wrinkly old man hands as I ran them cringingly down your face.

    I’ve decided to turn on some of those beats now, Nickel Creek, they have a fair amount of songs that clutch my heart. Thile has a way with both the words and music that pierce my soul. I wish I could play any instrument like that man.

    I didn’t see any stars tonight, but if I could, I’d wish on the brightest one that I could see you again, if only for a moment. Miss you Thursday.

    D.M.

    ,

  • Letter 12

    Thursdaythursdaythursday!

    Hey there! Lol, today was a pretty good day, work was busy and long, but that also made it go quick if that makes any sense. Today is not your day, it’s Tuesday, and that means TACOS! – that makes it extra special, if you didn’t know. Do you like tacos? Our hometown didn’t really do tacos, or they weren’t popular like they are now, I’m not sure which. There was obviously the taco bell, barf, T-busy! Perkins was pretty hopping though, that was a nice hangout with bottomless coffee!

    It’s a couple of weeks now till I’m near home again. I’ve held true to my personal vow to not reach out to you, it does feel like a little part of me dies every time my motives get denied. Will Power – also an excellent superhero name. Anyway, my Monday biking date got canceled, that sucked, and I can’t go the normal day this week either, the trails are calling, beckoning me!

    We had friends over this past weekend, my s.o. mentioned how good our relationship is. It seems like all of our friends are in crap relationships at the moment. I was a bit blindsided by the complacency in whatever is going on here. Most days we don’t really even talk. There are no more goodnights, or I love you’s, it’s just going through all the motions. Work, eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep. When they do stay awake for the evening it’s just vegging while they do the endless FB scroll. I guess this is contentment for them? Some days I don’t know what I’m holding on to anymore. It’s like I’m trying to hold all these pieces together, but everything is still splintering and falling apart. Some days, I feel like we’re too far gone, that we’ve strayed too far from each other to be able to come back, like strangers that no longer know how to be around each other.

    Till again.

    D.M.

    ,

  • Hidden Here

    There’s something about the pen

    and notepad where black

    meets white swirling

    creating contrast Light and Dark

    Life and Death

    Between the lines…

    That’s where the story lies

    waiting to be found

  • River Man

    What happens after this life
        of flesh and desires?
    Will we wonder heads bowed
        in reverence, shame, regret?
    Or float through the dingy ceiling
        to inspect the moon for cheese?
    Perhaps we’ll cling to a breeze
        and follow her wherever she twists and turns?
    When the night is dark and eerie,
      will we raise our ghastly chains in dance,
        shaking our hips to the fiery salsa tune?
    Will there be a pearly gate,
      withholding all that is wholesome…
        and pie?
    Or flames that lick our translucent feet,
        till we do the Kansas City Shuffle?
    Where do I rendezvous with the animals
        that I’ve cared for all my days?
    Can I afford the River Man’s toll
        for safe passage to the ethereal?
    Maybe there is only our achievements,
      which will vanish in the rain
        to feed the thirst of a new day.

  • Cliche

    I had this dream, I don’t regret it
    You and I, there I said it.
    Walking, talking of time gone by
    But somehow not, the dream belie

    Afloat

    Something long silent awoke
    Slithering its way up, stomach to throat
    Between, what’s broke, a little more
    But Knots for knots anchored

    Sunlight

    Barricade mine eyes to darkness
    As vivid fragments wisp pass
    To catch just one to hold to
    For there day A moment

    D.M.

  • Daylights Burning

    Daylight is burning, better get moving

    get it?

    I don’t.

    D.M.