Thursday.

I had another one of those dreams, like the kind that got this whole thing started. You know, the kind with that wrenching realness. Its been a while since I’ve written to you, sorry. I think I became upset with the reality of the situation and didn’t want to face it, but write to you now I will! No promises for the future. I guess its appropriate that a dream brings me back there though.

Back to the point of all this. So there I was in your SISTERS house, house sitting I guess. It made sense in the dream. So, I’m at your sisters house, and am prepping some meal because she is going to be home soon and I like to have a nice meal prepped. (I must be the coolest house sitter ever! or maybe just hungry.) So I’m prepping food, barely started, when in walks your father, cool as a cucumber. At this point I’m sure, 100% sure, he is going to try and pull some awkward and belittling conversation at me, but no. Instead we talk in earnest about our relationship, and I actually come clean to him. The lie I told you when we broke up. The lie I think I convinced myself of for so many years. I tell him the truth. I couldn’t compete, I wasn’t enough. I tell him how jealous I was of your now husband. I tell him, in real earnest, that I’m actually glad it worked out the way it did. I couldn’t swoon you like he did, I couldn’t captivate your heart and soul the way he could. After that he was nice to me, and pleasant – the sign of it being a dream bleeding away.

Beep beep beep goes the alarm!!!!

I think if you looked into your memories, and dug deep (or maybe not so deep), that you would see the truth there in front of you as well. And that’s okay, this is okay. I know you don’t actually give a shit about any of this. I know I’m the only one hurt from this self-infliction, but that is the great part of this illusion of a letter, where I paint you in a way that you are not. My name and memory has likely faded may years ago, as they should have.

Till the next ramble. Or dream?

-D.M.