Thursday,

Not responding to anything particular this time. Third day at the cemetery, it grows on you, the calmness and sort of serenity, perhaps not exceptionally picturesque but close enough within walking range.

So, here’s the thing about friends. I didn’t have any in grade school. Grade school was the worst thing ever (which holds true for most people I talk to). But when I get to High School, no one really knows me, it’s a new leave, clean slate, whatever! I do make friends, what could be considered a fair amount of friends. Not saying I was “popular” but between the various activities, my toes were dipped into several of the ‘click’ pools. I always assumed I had some best friends, you know the kind like in the movies where they share nearly everything? But I was never a sharer, there were no deep dark secrets I wanted to share – no one pried either, which was maybe a blessing. Some shells are better left unopened.

In any case, flip forward, what is a friend? I was sidelined at what I though was my best friend’s wedding, just a guest, that hit hard. Other friends got married, I was invited to some, but not in any special way. No groomsman role, definitely not a best man situation, but yeah, I still feel that sting when I think about it. When I look at the people I consider my friend now, I wonder “is this the kind of person who would want me to be at their bachelor party, or be a person of some rank at a wedding or ceremony?” Ultimately my answers keep landing on “Nope, probably not.” So what is friend? What is a best friend? At this point it is pretty obvious to me – the common denominator. Maybe it’s okay to not be ‘best friend’ material, I’m not quite there yet though. It’s a bit soul crushing not having a person with whom which to spill all the beans, but at the same time, that’s not what friendship should be. It should just be some people hanging out and living their best lives – skin deep right there.

Anywho, I’m sure this post is garbage, I’ll try to proof it tomorrow or something, mumble mumble grumble. Gnight, may your dreams be an elegant dance of joyfulness!

D.M.